Black. Blankness. Darkness. Those were the words that filled me, as I watched Ian's back disappear through the door. I couldn't make myself go after him. I didn't have the energy to convince him. I knew I couldn't.
I was at fault. I knew that. I killed our baby, all those years ago. Instead of telling Ian this, I chose to stay silent about it. I deserved all the hate I got from him.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, as curled up at the edge of the bed. I couldn't think of anything else but Ian right now. And our baby, of course.
I remembered the countless hours that I had tortured myself over it. No matter how many therapists told me it wasn't my fault, I knew it was. I ignored the sign, I was so far gone, that I didn't even notice when I didn't get my periods.
Maybe this was fate's way of getting back at me. For leaving Ian all those years ago, for hurting him beyond consideration. I had made such a big deal about Silver, and that was nothing compared to this.
I don't how long I was curled up, I didn't care anymore. It was only when I heard a harsh curse that I looked up. Parker was standing at the door, looking murderous.
"What the fuck did he do to you?"
I shook my head, my voice failing me. I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to say anything. Parker walked to my side and sank to the floor, kneeling down.
"Khlo?" He touched my tear stained cheeks. "What happened?"
As soon as he said that, a loud sob escaped my lips. Parker instantly reached out, pulling me into him.
"He --- I-- Ian kn--o--knows," I said in between sobs. "A--And he-e h--h-hates me."
"He knows everything?" Parker asked, and I nodded. "Then it's his loss. He cannot blame you."
"He can!" I yelled. "I lost our baby! I ignored the signs thinking it was the damn pills that did that to my period!"
"It isn't you fault," Parker said in a soft, soothing voice. "You were in depression, Khloe. And that is good enough reason. You didn't know you were pregnant. "
Pregnant. I looked at him. "Can you get a test for me?"
His eyes widened. "What?"
I swallowed. "A pregnancy test. Please."
Parker nodded. "I'll be right back. Once you take that test, we are leaving."
I nodded. "I'm sure Ian wants to come back here."
Parker looked away when I said that, making me frown. Just as I was about to question him on that, he got up and walked out. Ten minutes later, Parker was back with the test.
"Go on, I'll be right here." Parker said, smiling softly. Just as I was about to lock the bathroom door, he spoke again. "Khlo, just remember that Marley and I, we are with you."
I smiled at him, tears in my eyes at his gesture. Marley was lucky, I mused. The five minutes we waited for the result was excruciatingly painful. I walked around the room, and so did Parker.
"Time's up!" Parker said, and both of us walked into the bathroom. "You wanna see it?"
I shook my head. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what I wanted. Parker peeped at the test.
"You're not pregnant," he sighed. I breathed. I was relieved, that was there. But I was also a bit bummed. A part of me wanted the baby.
"Let's get you home, honey," Parker said, taking my hand and pulling me with him. He called Marley, asking her to come as well.
For their sake, I tried to be string throughout dinner. I ate as much I could without throwing up.
"Do you want us to stay?" Marley asked.
I shook my head. "No! You guys go. I'll call you if I need anything."
"You sure?" Parker looked sceptical.
"Yes. Now, goodnight."
"Goodnight," both of them chorused, hugging me.
*****
"Ian!" I yelled at his retreating figure. It wasn't just him alone, it was also some woman with him, a baby.
"I hate you, Khloe," I heard his voice in the darkness. Before I could say anything, a loud scream escaped my lips as I was pulled back into the darkness.
My arms were constricted, my breathing laboured, as if someone had a hold on my throat. My body felt tightly bound, as I tried to get up.
Pictures of babies passed in front of my face, each one crying, looking at me with accusing eyes. I had killed them, all of them.
***
"Khloe!" A voice brought me back from the dark. I gasped as my eyes opened, Marley sat in front me of, worry reflecting off her face.
"Ohmygod, Marl!" I sobbed, "He left!"
"I know," she whispered, pulling me into her.
"This is payback for what I did. I deserve it."
Marley pulled back, glaring at me. "It isn't your fault. If you think that, you are being stupid."
I didn't say anything. I broke down in her arms. Again. I don't know how long she held me till I finally fell asleep.
***
"Breakfast is ready."
Parker's voice woke me up. "Khlo! My love! Wakey Wakey!"
I glared at him. "Go away."
"C'mon, breakfast is waiting."
"I don't want it." I muttered. I wanted to be alone.
"Khloe," Parker tried again. "Wake up!"
I finally snapped. "Go away, Parker! I want to be alone! I do not need your fucking pity."
Parker's eyes widened. "Pity?"
Before I could say anything, Marley walked into the room. She smiled at me. "Alright, we'll go. But we'll be back later, understand?"
I didn't say anything. I heard the door close and I quickly go up, packing some stuff. I had to get out of here, I needed to get out of this suffocating place.
****
I was in hiding. Literally. I was at Fanny's place. I had been hiding there for the past three days. I had ignored numerous calls from Marley and Parker. And Ian didn't call. I didn't expect him to.
"Get your fucking ass up and come home!" I heard Parker's booming voice.
Fuck.
He looked furious. Even furious was an understatement. He glared at me as he picked up my bag, stuffing whatever he could see.
"Par--"
.
"Don't! Do you have any idea how worried we have been? The fucking police is searching for you!"
My jaw dropped.
"You will stay with me, and don't even try to get out of my sight. And be happy you have your job!"
I didn't say anything as Parker literally dragged me out, and Fanny gave me a small, apologetic smile.
"Eat," he muttered, pushing a plate full of food in front me.
Food. My stomach churned. I couldn't stand the sight of food.
"I'm not hungry."
"I swear to god, if you don't eat, I will call your parents. And you know what's going to happen."
I swallowed.
I slowly ate, as Parker watched me like a hawk. After I finished some and drank the juice I looked at Parker. "I can't eat."
"Fine. Let's go."
Parker was still angry with me. Just as he was about to get in the car, I called out his name.
"Yeah?"
I hugged him. "Thank you for not giving up on me. "
*******
