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Gemma

I ran my finger over the rim of my glass.

Sitting alone at the bar wasn’t exactly how I’d intended to spend my night. And I especially had not dreamed of being forced to watch as my best friend shoved his tongue down some random girl’s throat. If I’d had it my way, I would have been at home, in my bed, curled up with a swoon-worthy book.

Unfortunately for me, Ben wasn’t having any of my anti-socialness tonight.

“You need to get out more, Gems,” he’d told me. Next thing I knew, we were in his truck and on our way to the nearest hole-in-the-wall pub: Mickey’s Lounge.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, had the place not been filled to capacity. I wasn’t exactly a fan of being squished up against sweaty strangers, especially ones who could barely hold on to their alcohol. Thanks, but no thanks.

I knew I should have jumped back in his truck the moment I stepped out.

But I’d pushed aside my concerns like an idiot.

When we’d first arrived, we spotted two girls sitting on the curb. One of them had been crying hysterically into the other girl’s arms, mumbling something about ‘Fucking Johnny’.

The girl’s drunken spiel should have been my first clue the night was going to be a bust. I wasn’t the greatest in social situations as it was, and being around confrontation only made my anxiety even worse. But as much as I might have wanted to turn back around and run, I knew Ben had brought me there for a reason.

I did need to be more open to people. I could agree with that, sure, even if the thought alone was enough to terrify me. Heck, dragging myself to the store by myself was enough to make me sick to my stomach. As much as I wanted to be social, being around people tended to make things worse.

We were just making our way up to the bouncer when a boy—of whom I’d later learn was Fucking Johnny himself—had exited the bar with another girl on his arm. I shot Ben a holy-crap-what-the-hell-is-going-on look as I watched the drama unfold.

“What the fuck, Johnny? Who the hell is she?” The short brunette rose to her feet, struggling to keep her balance at she charged at the girl, an action I failed to understand. Why was it they insisted upon fighting each other, instead of ganging up on the guy who’d clearly played the two of them?

When the girl on Fucking Johnny’s arm got into the drunk brunette’s face, I wanted nothing more than to run and hide. Seriously, cheating was an ass move as it was. But to do it in front of the girl? And at a public place where alcohol was served and emotions were sure to take over? It all added up to a volcano waiting to erupt, and I wasn’t eager to be there when the lava spilled over, so to speak.

The angry confrontation between the two lovers should have been a good indicator of how my night was going to go. But I’d chosen to ignore the painfully obvious in favor of trying to have a fun night out. Trying having been the keyword.

I really needed to stop letting him drag me out of the apartment. Or I really needed to remember to keep my e-reader in my purse. At least if I’d had my e-reader on me, I would have had something to keep my mind off him and how much I wanted him to cross the line between friendship and lust.

When we’d first entered the pub, we made a beeline for the tables near the back of the pub, and for a brief moment, I’d actually thought the night might go all right. But then the girls started to come by, throwing themselves at him right in front of me. And well, it hadn’t taken long for me to grow tired of having the front-row seat to heartbreak.

I had tried to move away multiple times, but he continued to pull me back until a call from his sister interrupted him. He casually excused himself from Random Girl Number One as he hung up his phone.

Seeing him with other girls was enough to send me to the bar, in hopes of drowning out the longing feeling I’d felt toward him. Plus, honestly, with my emotions on edge, I figured it would be in my best interest to get away from all things Ben for a bit. I rose to my feet, excusing myself from the table as he glanced out over the crowd, no doubt in search of his twin sister, Molly. As I stepped away, a rough hand wrapped around my arm, stopping me in my tracks.

“Don’t take too long, now,” he said, pressing a kiss on my cheek.

I thought about how easy it would have been to turn my head and allow our lips to meet, but I forced myself to resist. Keep it together, Gemma.

“Yeah, yeah,” I groaned. “You suck, Ben.”

“Love you too, Gemma,” he teased before he slipped away into the crowd, and faded from my sight.

I probably should have gone outside, honestly, far away from alcohol. It would have been the smart thing to do, but what could I say? I was fabulous at making terrible decisions. So, I’d taken a seat at the bar. Alone and miserable.

“What will it be?” One of the bartenders asked.

“Cherry UV vodka,” I answered. It was stupid, really. Chances were I wasn’t going to drink it, but it was my safe drink, something Ben had gotten me hooked on during one of the many parties at his apartment.

Apparently mixing fruit punch Gatorade with Smirnoff was highly frowned upon. “I bought this for you,” he’d said when he handed me the bottle.

I remembered staring at him as though he’d lost his mind. “Really? A bottle of liquor? Are you trying to get into my pants, Benjamin?”

He smiled and pulled me against him. “Always,” he joked. “Actually, I bought it because I thought you would like it. It tastes a hell of a lot better than your Gatorade-and-Smirnoff concoction.”

It was that night I’d discovered a new appreciation for vodka; too bad it hadn’t seemed to have the same sort of fondness for me.

“Anything else, miss?” the bartender asked, throwing a white towel over his shoulder. He slid the drink toward me, and I handed him a ten-dollar bill.

I shook my head “no” and leaned on the bar counter. “Thanks, but I’m all right.”

I swirled the black stirrer around in the glass, mindlessly staring down at the red beverage I had already begun to imagine I was going to regret.

I had never been much of a drinker, mainly because I tended to do stupid things under the influence of alcohol. And by stupid things, I didn’t mean just calling every one of my exes at two o’clock in the morning. Nope.

No, by stupid things, I meant trying to get into my best friend’s pants. Repeatedly.

I’d nearly gotten close once, too. I had managed to get his pants unbuttoned, and I was just about to pull them down when he’d managed to grab hold of my wrists with one hand, and pulled his pants back up with the other.

Yeah, needless to say, I’d since made it a point to watch my alcohol intake around Ben. Unfortunately for me, my mind couldn’t separate my fantasies from reality when I’d been drinking.

It was the one downside to having an incredibly attractive best friend. It was hard enough to keep my hormones in check when I was sober, but when I was drinking? All logic went out the window. Every. Single. Bit.

“That’s unfortunate.” Nate took a seat beside me, a shit-eating grin wide on his face. “I think the drunken Gemma show is exactly what I need to fix this boring night.”

I turned to glare at him, choosing to ignore the bartender’s smirk.

Another stupid thing I’d done under the influence of alcohol? Made out with Nate, who just so happened to be Ben’s cousin.

Yeah, definitely not my greatest moment. Although, truth be told, I wasn’t entirely ashamed of my Nate mishap. After all, the boy was gorgeous: six-foot-three with the body of an MMA fighter. His spiked blond locks highlighted his stunning blue eyes. Yeah, definitely attractive, I thought, but not nearly as attractive as Ben.

Ben stood a whole foot taller than my five-foot-one frame, with warm brown eyes, tousled brown locks, and lips that pleaded to be kissed. And while I wasn’t a fan of facial hair, mainly because it was itchy as hell, it looked good on him.

And then there was his body. His abs would give even Thor a run for his money. Seriously, his abs alone belonged in a museum. They were beyond drool-worthy, as ridiculous as that might have sounded.

Nate caught me staring at him, lost in my magical fantasy land, and a playful smile suddenly tugged at his lips. I knew what he was thinking, and I would let him think it. After all, it was Nate and his ridiculous ego. It was better than letting him know I’d been thinking about his cousin’s body—an awkward bridge I wasn’t willing to cross.

“You know…” He moved in closer, his lips now mere inches from my ear. “My place is only about five minutes away—”

Before he could finish what he was saying, I threw my elbow out, hitting him in the abdomen. “As I’ve said before, Nate, the one night we spent together was merely a lapse in judgment on my behalf. I can assure you it will never happen again.”

And it wouldn’t. He may have been attractive, sure, but Nate was no Ben.

“So you say now,” he teased.

“Oh shush, will you?” I pressed my hand to my forehead and slumped back over the bar, my right hand still twirling the black stirrer around in my drink.

Nate ordered two rum and Cokes from the bartender before turning his attention back to me. “Do you plan on actually drinking that anytime soon, Gembug?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll see to it I’m far away from you when I do,” I answered, smiling as I made my way away from the bar in search of Ben and Molly.

I could hear Nate trailing behind me, but I ignored him. I’d learned early on it was best to ignore Nate. If you gave him attention it only fed his ego, and well, he managed to feed his massive ego well enough himself.

I found Ben and Molly sitting at a wooden table near the back of the pub, laughing as they were joined in conversation with a petite redhead and a tattooed guy.

“I really hope Ginger isn’t expecting to go home with Ben tonight,” Nate said.

I hadn’t realized he was standing so close to me, and I nearly dropped my glass as his warm breath fell upon my neck, making my body well aware of his close proximity. “Personal space, Nate. You suck at it.”

“In my defense, you did kind of stop suddenly and the pub is rather crowded.” I was just about to apologize to him when he followed up his prior statement with a typical Nate response. “By the way, you look fucking fantastic tonight, Gem. Are you sure you don’t want to get out of here?”

“Nate Phillips, don’t make me smack you.”

“Hey, I had to try.” He moved in front of me, holding the glasses over his head as he maneuvered his way through the crowd. “I may not be Ben, but I’m really not bad, Gemma,” he called out, an apologetic smile spread upon his lips before he turned his attention ahead.

I tried to ignore the Ben comment as I followed behind Nate, doing my best to stay close to him. Crowds were not my thing. Hell, pubs were not my thing. I would have been content curled up on the couch, binge-watching Netflix.

But nope. Instead, there I was, taking a seat at a table with a full-on view of some girl playing tonsil hockey with my best friend. The best friend I’d been in love with for years. Yeah. I would’ve much rather preferred to have been at home.

The truth of the matter was I didn’t exactly have the right to be upset by Ben’s actions. He was single. He was more than welcome to do as he pleased, with whomever he pleased.

Yet even though I’d convinced myself none of it mattered, I was too emotionally invested not to give a damn.

Seeing her with him? A girl I didn’t know—a stranger I had no right to hate, but still found myself envious of? It bothered me because I wanted to be her. I wanted him to want me like he wanted her. I wanted to be more than his best friend he occasionally joked with, even though I knew it would never happen.

I’d been forever friend-zoned, and I just had to learn to deal with it.

I reached for my drink, downing it in one gulp, nearly choking in the process. “Whoa, that burned more than I’d anticipated.”

Nate chuckled beside me. “I thought you were avoiding drinking near me?”

“Well, I had planned to,” I answered. However, that was before I’d been forced to come to terms with my emotions. “But things change.”

“Oh, really?” He cocked a brow at me. “Well, I’ll have you know my offer still stands. We could get out of here now. All you have to do is say the word.”

“Not going to happen, Nate.” I groaned. “You can stop trying now.”

He threw his arm over my shoulder. “I know. I just like getting a rise out of you.”

Molly leaned over her new acquaintance’s shoulder and shot Nate a stern glance. “Leave her alone, would you, Nate?”

“Hey, now…I’m behaving tonight.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Right, Gem?”

I rolled my eyes at him and reached for one of his rum and Cokes. “So far.”

I glanced over at Ben, hoping he would at least take notice of my presence. No such luck. Annoyed, I threw my head back and downed the drink, ignoring the burning sensation left behind from my drink.

Oh man, I really hated the taste of alcohol.

I handed the glass to Nate. “Are you going to drink that?” I asked, pointing to the other glass.

Nate leaned in, sliding the glass across the table, far out of my reach. “Is there something you want to tell me? Because you’re slamming down drink after drink, sweetheart, and you’ve never been one to drink to begin with.”

I glanced over at Ben, silently admitting what had been bothering me. Nate followed my gaze and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Ah, I probably should’ve figured as much.”

“You act as though it’s obvious,” I said, shooting him a look.

Nate moved in closer, his mouth mere inches from my ear. “Believe me when I say the only person oblivious to how you feel is my idiot cousin.”

I’d thought my emotions were all over the place, before. Yeah. Clearly, I hadn’t realized just how bad the night was going to get.

I thought I had done a fairly good job at keeping my emotions in check over the years. Apparently, Ben hadn’t been the only clueless one.

“How long have you known?” I slid down in my chair and leaned my head back to look up at the ceiling. All I wanted to do was immerse myself in the loud music that blared throughout the pub, to lose myself in the music and escape my scattered thoughts.

Nate didn’t say a word. Instead, he extended his hand to grab the glass he’d shoved away and tried to hide the grin that tugged at the corner of his lips. In a swift move, he downed the drink and looked over at Ben before he turned to face me. “Come on.”

He searched for my hand and pulled me to my feet and away from the table. “And where are we going exactly?”

Nate pulled me along behind him through the crowd. We stopped once we’d reached the jukebox near the back. “I’m going to make you dance with me.” I rolled my eyes as he pulled me closer to him. “Relax, I’ll behave. I promise.”

“Are you feeling okay, Nate? I’m not used to you being this nice.”

He wrapped his arms loosely around my waist, and the lights from overhead cascaded down upon him, highlighting his striking eyes.

“Like I said, Gem, I may not be Ben, but I’m really not that bad of a guy.”

I wouldn’t dare tell him, but I knew that he wasn’t a bad guy. I had known him long enough to know there was a sweet guy underneath the cocky exterior, a guy eager for something more. I just wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of the sweet Nate.

Usually, I found myself trying to run from him because he was unable to keep it in his pants. But this was different. This time, with Nate’s arms wrapped around my waist and his eyes locked on mine, I actually felt comfortable. Then again, it could have also been the alcohol working its magic. I wasn’t entirely sure.

It was ridiculous to be this upset. Ben and I were best friends, platonic friends, and sure, he joked with me sometimes, he always had: that was just how we were. I couldn’t get mad at him for a random bar hook-up just because he was the star of my X-rated fantasies.

Nate pressed a light kiss to my forehead. “Are you all right?”

I let out a soft sigh, resting my head on his chest. “I’m just peachy. Incredibly warm, and a bit unstable, but perfectly peachy.”

He chuckled in my ear. “Can I ask you something?”

“I suppose.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and glanced up at him, trying to ignore the look of sympathy in his eyes as he stared down at me. “Why haven’t you told him?”

I rolled my eyes. “You wouldn’t understand.”

And he wouldn’t. No one ever seemed to understand.

There was only so much heartbreak a person could take, and I was rather close to reaching my limit. But the heartbreak would be far more bearable than losing him.

Ben had become an integral part of my life throughout the years, my sanity when I’d found myself on the verge of a breakdown. He was the one stability I’d had in my life, and I wasn’t willing to throw his friendship away, not when he had meant so much to me.

When my brother had passed away from a drug overdose a year before, Ben was the one who’d helped to piece me back together again. I had collapsed within myself, allowing my pain to drown out all reason to want to live, and Ben had found a way to pull me out.

He had saved me from myself. And over time, I’d convinced myself if I told him how I felt, I would only end up chasing him away, and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.

“Try me, Sweetheart.”

“Call me sweetheart again, and I swear I’ll punch you,” I teased.

Nate broke into a fit of laughter. “You’re an amazing girl, Gemma, but I don’t think you realize it.”

“If you’re trying to charm my pants off of me, it isn’t going to work, Nate.”

At least, I hoped he wouldn’t succeed. Again.

On one hand, the last thing I needed was to repeat the same mistake. On the other hand? I was single, and I did have needs. Of course, Nate’s model looks certainly didn’t help to keep my mind from considering his earlier proposal.

And this is why you don’t drink around Nate, I told myself.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Gem, geez,” he joked. I dropped my hands from his neck and shoved him gently in his chest before he grabbed my wrists, pulling me to where he stood. “I’m serious. You have convinced yourself my idiot cousin can do better than you. You seem to think that you can’t compete with the other girls, but it’s utter bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit; it’s called accepting the reality of the situation,” I said.

“You’re so much more than those other girls, Gemma. I only wish you could see what I see,” he said. A sincere smile spread upon his lips, and he released his hold on my wrists. “Don’t let your fear keep you from trying. Sometimes the things that scare us the most are exactly what we need.”