The Carrero Effect Trilogy - Chapter #3 - Free To Read

"Emma?" Sarah's worried voice hits me as I scrub the cooker for the fiftieth time, her arms flying around me as she sees me. I didn't even hear her come in. I finally caved a few hours ago, in a phone call while she got ready to travel home, and told her why I was here, unable to talk through tears, but she finally understood.

"Oh, my God! I was frantic the whole flight, desperate to get back to you." She croons, holding me tight, and I relax into her embrace. Holding myself together, telling myself not to fall apart. To not be the girl who crumbles when her friend asks how she is.

"I'm okay, Sarah … Better than I was the last couple of days." a numbness has started to envelop me most of the time, making me able to cope with menial tasks and mindless routines in an almost zombie-like state.

I turn in her arms and spot Marcus scurrying away with cases to her room, a typical man avoiding female tears, a real charmer. Jake would have brushed them away for me and asked me to tell him all about it. He would've wiped the floor with the likes of Marcus and his evasive behavior to female tears.

I push down the thought and bite my lip.

I can't keep torturing myself this way. Stop thinking about him.

"Is this it? Are you really walking away from what you had?" She gazes at me with an intense frown. "He made a mistake, Emma … He's human." Her revelation surprises me; it makes me stop what I'm doing and gape at her.

"On our call, you were all for me kicking him the balls, if I remember." I point out in surprise. Complete disbelief etched on my face. In truth, I'm more than a little hurt.

"Yeah, but then I had time to simmer and think about everything, Ems … Jake loves you. I don't think this is something he'd ever repeat." She looks incredibly sincere at this very moment.

Why am I shocked? She's just another version of my mother, letting a man hurt you and then crawling back to him again. She's given Marcus so many chances in the past, and here he is again.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm beyond confused." I admit, glancing down between us at the way she's holding both of my hands tightly, a sudden urge to haul her into my arms and cry. I don't miss the old me who never allowed this kind of touch between us. It's comforting and so necessary to me right now.

"Emma, think about it. He could've done more than a kiss … He could've taken her back to her hotel and done the deed. As soon as he kissed her, he knew he'd fucked-up, right?" Her hopeful blue gaze bores into my face, and I try to ignore it.

I can't deny that the Jake of old would have thought nothing of screwing some girl from a bar or even screwing Marissa if he was drunk enough. He'd done that already, the baby proof of that. I quash down the vile thoughts of his body entwined with hers, revulsion pushing up my throat at the traumatic visions going through my mind.

"So, you think I should just forget it … Brush it off as nothing?!" I snap, yanking my hands away. Of all people, I expected Sarah to be on my side.

But not this!

"No, of course, I don't. He's hurt you, Emma. But I think you can move past this and be with him again when you're ready." She sounds so young and pleading. I don't want this version of Sarah. I want her jokes on what she would do to maim him in her unrelenting loyalty to me, dragging his name through the dirt, calling him all the cusswords she can think of. Instead, she's championing him, making me feel anger that has lain dormant the past few days.

"It's not just the kiss … It's who he kissed!" I stamp, pulling myself away, heading to the couch, and slumping down. Trying hard to simmer the wave or irritation growing in my belly. "It was her … Marissa. The one person I hate more than anyone and the one person that can truly kill everything between us." the tears sting my eyes at the mention of that bitch's name, and I bite them back defiantly. Not while her name is on my lips, I wouldn't dare.

That bitch will never get my tears.

"It probably wasn't a choice, Emma, just a coincidence. Someone or anyone that happened to throw themselves at him because that's how much he was hurting; how irrational he was being … There was no attraction in it." She raises her hands almost in exasperation and meets my furious scowl.

How are you so sure, Sarah, because I don't even know!?

"If he loved me, then he wouldn't have so cruelly kissed her." I spit, her stance unmoving, arms folded across her chest as though dealing with a petulant child. Her voice is steady and stern, with a look in her eye that belongs to a schoolmistress.

"If he didn't love you, then he wouldn't have done anything at all, Emma. He stupidly did it because he was in an incredible amount of heartache. You hurt each other. He only found out later that you were bluffing about the other guy, but you still rejected him." She walks forward, sliding beside me, regarding me, pleading, and takes my hands gently, but I turn my face away, defying her defense of him.

"He should've known I would never do anything like that, and I didn't reject him. I just said it was too soon." a tear rolls down my cheek; my head is in chaos again. I never seem to be able to get any of this straight in my head, at exactly whose fault this is, if I should've done anything differently, or how we could've prevented all this.

"Men can be idiots, especially drunk and emotional men. He was already hurting because he felt like you rejected him. With an ego like his, I'm sure that was a devastating thing, Ems and the other guy comment sent him over the edge. Maybe he just figured you had finally realized he wasn't what you wanted anymore." She's trying to sound soft, but I feel so angry and enraged.

"Well, he's an idiot because he was everything I wanted and needed. I would've followed him to the ends of the fucking Earth." I sob, unleashing a heart-breaking cry so raw even Sarah is silenced by shock. She watches me with large blue eyes, and her lip trembles.

"Emma?" she finally whispers, leaving me to calm to a gentle sniffing, my anger deflating before she continues, "If he's everything to you, then why would you reject a home with him?" She watches me closely, regarding me with a confused and gentle expression.

"Because I'm scared," I admit finally. "I'm scared I'm not enough to keep him with me for a lifetime. I'm scared of letting someone else take the lead and losing all I am. I'm scared of this new life he's offering me that could be taken away at any minute." It's then that I realize I've never believed in myself, never thought I could keep someone like him for more than a few blissful months, let alone marriage and life. That I could be more than my career and give him something equivalent to all he was trying to give me. Even now, I feel like I never really deserved any of it.

I have so much to thank my mother and her lovers for; self-doubt is so huge I'm too scared to let myself be happy. Jake is right. I'm incapable of ever fully letting go or letting him in all the way.

"Emma, I believe he's the one for you, mistakes aside. I truly believe you'll never find another love or happiness like you did with him. He seems to know what you need, almost instinctively, and he gives it to you. He understands you. You have no idea how rare that is." She tightens her grasp on my hand and gazes at me fondly. Those tropical blue eyes twinkle with love. "You changed someone like him, Emma. He changed you. You have no idea how huge that is. I don't think he'll ever look elsewhere again if you give him another chance. No, in fact, I know he won't."

"I can't just push aside what he did." I sigh.

"But you can learn to forgive him, and you can only do that by talking to him and seeing what happens next." She strokes back my hair from my face wiping away some of the wetness on my cheek. "You can't wallow in here and hide away forever."

"It hurts me when I think of him or even see his name on a text or an email. I can't bear to open any that he's sent, not even the letter Mathews brought the first day." I shrug at her hauling my hair across my face and twisting it harshly. Lately, every anxiety-driven habit and fidget I'd learned to control has returned tenfold, reminding me of him and his warm hands pulling my fingers from my hair. I yank my hands away, clenching my fists to curb the urge.

"You're doing what you always do. You're pushing it away, denying its effect on you. It's hurting you trying to catch it all in that little black box in your head, but it won't work with this. You look awful." Sarah smiles at me, but I can see the concern in her eyes. "I'm not telling you to run back to him with open arms, just go see him … Or let him come see you. Talking is the only way forward." How she inclines her head with a knowing look gives me a tingle of suspicion. Something in that 'know it all' expression makes me stop and take note.

"He's talked to you, hasn't he?" I finally click that she knows more than I managed to say through hysterical tears, and she changed her whole attitude in the last few hours since my call. I'm not dumb. Only Jake could've given her the insight that I don't have. The way she's been fighting to give him a chance when only hours ago she wanted to rip that pretty head from his wide, strong shoulders.

More like his asshole head and arrogant shoulders. Man up, Emma!

"Yes, he did. I wasn't sure if I should tell you. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, if I'm being honest. He gave me his number a while back when I couldn't get through to you at work and had to call your main office." She looks away sheepishly as though she's done something wrong.

"What did he say? How did he sound?" I can't help myself. It's like dangling alcohol in front of a drunk. Any little insight into Jake right now is what I need and crave, even if it's something I'm not sure my frayed emotions can handle right now. I know how contradictory my reaction is to what I've been thinking, but it's a spontaneous impulse I have no control over.

"He sounded so … broken. The first thing he said was, "How is she?" … That kind of threw me." She shrugs nonchalantly. "I was all set to yell at him, but then I sort of didn't. He sounded like a man living through hell, Emma … Not very Jake Carrero at all."

I swallow hard, returning my focus to my hand as the tremble in my lips betrays my urge to cry. I don't want to hear how hurt or different he is. I want to know my domineering cocky asshole is still in there. I need him to be the Jake I love.

"Tell me …" I stumble over the words like lead in my mouth. "… Tell me what he told you."

"Maybe it's best coming from him, sweetheart? He told me because he needed someone to offload to, someone who would be on your side. Someone he knows loves you as much as he does. I think he wanted me to see it from his side, and somehow, if I could understand it, he would have a chance at getting you to understand too." The honesty in her eyes makes me break.

"No … I couldn't bear to hear him say any of it. I don't think I could handle it. Please, Sarah." I turn to her with watery, pleading eyes and a grim expression. My pain is so visible that she lets out a small cry of sympathy, making my heart thump harder in my chest.

She thinks for a long while before resigning herself to saying more, my begging gaze boring into her, weakening her resolve. Defeat in her eyes as she slowly gives in to my silent will.

"He barely kissed her, Ems … seconds at most, and then felt an almighty kick in his gut. He said he knew instantly he was throwing away everything that mattered to him. That he was being an idiot, so he turned around and walked away. Left her standing in the club. He went home with Daniel until he was ready to face you."

She looks at me, waiting for some response, and she carries on when I don't give one.

"He said he switched on his phone when he couldn't stand it any longer and had two messages and a voicemail from you. It was like having his heart ripped out all over again. He knew as soon as he saw them that he'd lost you. He knew you would go the second he told you what he'd done." She sighs and raises her eyebrows in an 'I'm sorry' gesture.

"I just don't get how he could do that to me." I sob as pain sears through my chest despite her telling me something I already know. I bite down the burning knot of agony in my throat, fighting down the words trying to come out of my mouth.

"He's a man, Emma … He's human and not perfect. God, you've told me how many times before how imperfect your Boss was? He's still the same guy, except now you love him. We all have insecurities, and we all jump to conclusions and make stupid mistakes, even him." She hands me the box of tissues from the side. No one knows more than me that we're capable of irrationality when insecurity raises its head.

I am the queen of insecurity and jealousy.

"What if I can never forgive him? Never stop feeling this broken?" Fresh tears roll down my cheeks, hopelessness devouring me.

"I promise you that you can move on from this, and if he's the guy for you, he'll earn your forgiveness a thousand times over. I have faith that he will, Emma." She tips my chin with her fingers, so I look at her. "He really loves you in a way that makes me kind of jealous." She smiles, casting her eyes to her shut bedroom door. "Not all men are so easy to love or show it so openly. But Jake and you, I think you're the exception to the rule. You two are the fairy-tale couple despite his impulse to fuck it up all the time. He dotes on you in a way most men aren't capable of, and he doesn't care who sees it either."

"It doesn't feel like it right now." I sigh, wiping my nose with my sleeve, ungraceful and completely angst-pushed. The old Emma would be rolling in her metaphorical grave right now.

"Don't walk away from him … I'm not saying that for him. I'm saying it for you. I don't think I'll ever see you get over him if you do." She sets a serious look on her gentle face. "You owe it to yourself to try to forgive him. If you can't, then at least you know you tried." Sarah's warmth calms me, bringing some sense of numbness back to the ache in my chest.

"You really want the apartment to yourself, don't you?" I smile through my watery tears, and Sarah giggles.

"Totally! It is my love nest, after all." We both laugh softly, releasing a tiny bit of tension. "You know you can stay here forever. I would love nothing more, but I want you to be happy, and I think it'll only happen when you're back with him."

Typical. Find happiness in the arms of the one person who can destroy you.

"What should I do?" I finally sniff, still confused at the riot of emotions and thoughts coursing through my head.

"Read the letter, the messages, and emails. Then maybe reply to one of them and take it from there." She presses a palm to my cheek in a surprisingly maternal way. "Do what you feel is best for you. But don't just sit festering, doing nothing." Sarah gets up and walks to her door, leaving me to digest our conversation.

"I need to go unpack and see Marcus. Tell him it's safe to come out. He has a phobia of women's tears and a public show of real emotions. Just yell if you need me, okay?" She smiles at me widely, realizing she still has her coat on from coming home. She didn't even stop to take it off before coming and being here for me.

I love you, Sarah.

"I'll be in my room … Reading." I sigh, resigning myself to following her advice for once, unable to stop the trembling in my body, but my mind is made up. Even if every part of me is screaming in fear.

Sarah halts and throws me a wink and a smile.

"I was hoping you'd say that."