My fingers trailed over the coat hangers. I bit my lip as I stared at my limited options of clothes. As I didn't go out often, I didn't have a large range to choose from. I glanced out the window, the sky almost completely dark now.
It was a cool night, as usual. I thought about stepping outside my comfort zone but decided I needed to take baby steps. Just going to the party was hard enough, let alone drinking and wearing something elaborate.
Reaching into my drawer, I withdrew a pair of high-waisted black pants. They were one of the comfiest pair of pants I owned and actually look quite nice. I wriggled into them breathlessly. I decided on a navy blue, skin-tight, long-sleeved shirt. I grabbed my signature black, leather jacket, shrugging it into my shoulders. I settled my white scarf around my neck, needing the white contrast to break up the dark. A pair of my converse shoes would do. I hope I didn't look too under dressed. It was cold, after all.
I stared at myself in my mirror. I hardly ever used it. In fact, I usually had it covered. A small, nervous smile danced on my lips. I was actually kind of excited. That was something I hadn't felt in a long time. I decided to wear my hair down for once. I left it in natural tumbles down my shoulders. There was an excited glimmer to my eye.
Clutching at my bag and my bottle of vodka, I exited my room. The nerves were beginning to bubble in my stomach. The last party had been pretty terrible. I lasted an hour and left, feeling even worse than I had before it.
Tonight was going to be different. I stopped short in my doorway, hearing something. I turned off the light, and stared at the window.
Please.
I blinked, my feet frozen to the floor. This was the first time the message had appeared not in the period between 2-2:30am. Striding toward the window, I replied. For the first time, even though I had to actually hang outside the window and write it on the side with the condensation.
Go to hell.
With that, I pulled my curtains closed. My hands were shaking. What the hell was I doing? Did I really want to sever the ties between Casey and I? If it were even him? Before I had time to freak out, I turned and stormed out of my room.
Mum was sitting there, a mug of tea in her hands. She was inhaling it, a small smile on her face. Dad was behind her, a beer in hand. We all looked quite alike. My dad was tall, pale, with dark hair. He had stubble, making him look older than he actually was. My mother was short, with clipped, mouse-brown hair and the same mossy, green eyes as mine. She had a pale complexion also and a heart-shaped face. She was beautiful.
Her jaw fell open. "Sadie?"
"I'm going out."
Dad glanced up, pausing. His beer was pressed to his lips but he didn't take a sip. His eyes were round as he stared at me.
"I know, it's weird." I said with a sigh, wandering towards them. I leaned in to the fridge and withdrew the orange juice. "Marissa, the girl I told you about, asked me to go a party with her."
"That's great," mum smiled. She hadn't looked this happy for a while. "Is Owen going?"
"I don't like the sound of that kid," dad muttered, recovering from his shock.
"Unfortunately."
"Don't be so hard on him, he sounds like a sweetheart." Mum insisted, giving me a cheeky smile. She was always very careful when talking about boys, and they both never mentioned Casey. It was as though I was a bomb and that singular word would trigger me.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know if I'll come home or stay at Marissa's yet. Don't message me please, it's embarrassing."
"I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask how you are when you go out." Dad frowned at me and mum laughed.
"Let the poor girl live. She needs a night out."
"Still here." I sighed.
"Go have fun," she said to me. She got to her feet, before kissing my forehead. "I'm really glad you're going."
"I can tell."
"Not like that," she laughed, playfully pushing me. "Go have some fun."
"I'll try," I said, wriggling out of her grip.
"Night kid. Make safe choices." Dad piped in as I exited the kitchen.
I laughed quietly as I let myself out. I slid into my car, the smell of leather filling my lungs. Or should I say, Casey's car. When I got my license, I couldn't afford my own. Casey always drove anyway, so I didn't really need one. When he died, I got his car. It was in the suicide note, after all.
It was nice. Total boy's car, though. The sub-woofer in it was intense and the loudness of the exhaust was embarrassing when I wasn't driving with him. I felt like an idiot. It reminded me of him though so I didn't care.
The trip to Marissa's was short. I didn't realise she lived so close. Within a few minutes I had cut the engine and was tumbling out of the car. With a shaky breath, I swung my bag onto my shoulder.
"Hey! Sick ride!" Marissa called, appearing out of her window. She probably heard me coming from a block away. "Just come on in!"
Doing as I was told, I pushed through the front door. One step in and I was enveloped in warmth. It washed over me and I breathed out in relief. My cheeks had begun to sting just from the short walk.
"Hi dear," a woman, assuming it was her mother, said to me. She had light, ginger hair like Marissa's. She gave off the impression that she was rather uptight. Considering my parents were extremely casual, I usually found it weird when I came across strict parents. "I'm Clare."
"Sadie," I forced out, my voice slightly hoarse.
"Nice to finally meet you, Sadie. Marissa's just upstairs."
With a nod, I pulled my bag with me, mounting the stairs. Her place was small and cosy. I quite liked it. The walls were littered with family portraits of them. I didn't realise she had two sisters. I guess I didn't know a lot about her. I could hear two girls yelling down the hall and a loud T.V going. I wonder if I would have been able to cope better after the whole Casey thing if I had siblings. I'm sure I would have felt less isolated and lonely.
"I am so glad you're here!" She squealed, a grin lighting up her face.
"Now that I am," I said, throwing my bag onto her bed. "Is this the part where you criticise my clothes and make me dress into something inappropriate and not my style?"
"No way, what you're wearing is perfect."
I blinked, taken back a little. "Oh."
"I'll just get dressed. Feel free to pour yourself a drink!" She sang, skipping over to her iPod dock. She fiddled with some dials and buttons, before music began blaring from it. She slipped into the bathroom.
I glanced uneasily around her room. It was surprisingly dark. There was a maroon, feature wall and she had black curtains. Her bed cover was also black, giving it a slightly Gothic vibe. It oddly contrasted with the hot pink and white fairy lights that were strung up in a zig-zag across the room.
Nervously, I withdrew the vodka bottle from my bag. I stared at it skeptically. Here goes nothing.
I had just had my first sip, when Marissa stepped back out. The taste reminded me of the time I drunk so much I had to get my stomach pumped. A cold shiver ran down my spine and I pressed my hand to my lips. I had to take it really easy tonight.
She walked towards me and I glanced up at her. She had maroon, fitted pants on and a nice, black jacket. She had a maroon scarf to match her pants and black boots. Obviously they were her favourite colours. Her auburn hair was piled into a messy pony tail on her head. She looked stylish. I stared at her in envy for a moment. She really was a beautiful person inside and out.
"Make you feel better about your outfit?" She asked, grabbing her own vodka bottle. I guess we both had the same idea.
"Definitely."
It was actually really nice. We drank, chatted and I watched her dance around childishly. It was kind of fun. I almost just wanted to stay here and hang with her, if I'm honest. Soon enough though, it was time to go. Marissa's dad was driving us.
I did notice the frown etched on Clare's face as we left. She probably didn't want us to go, but somehow, we were.
"Write, text, communicate, whatever, when you want to get picked up." Her dad said, shooting us a warm smile over his shoulder. "Have fun girls."
The cool air hit me hard and I cringed, hugging my jacket to myself. It wasn't exactly what I pictured. The music was loud, vibrating the ground underneath us, but there weren't people passed out on the grass or standing on their heads, a beer pong attached to their mouth. They were just positioned in small groups, most huddled around the fire. It seemed pretty low-key, which I liked. I recognised most people from school. Their eyes were wide as they stared at me, probably surprised I actually attended. The cool air suddenly made me feel drunker then I thought I was. Or maybe it was because I'd been sitting down.
"Sadie, my love!"
I froze. Owen barreled towards me. He smirked at me, before grinning.
My love.
"Don't start," Marissa said, saving me as I stood there awkwardly, gaping at him.
Great. First step into the party and I'm basically slapped in the face with a reminder of Casey.
Have fun. You deserve it, a voice whispered in my mind. I straightened my back.
My head was feeling light. I could feel the vodka starting to work its wonders. Owen reached out, in attempt to hug me but I stepped back.
"Don't."
"Burn, dude," Josh laughed, materialising by my side. "What are you drinking?"
"The classic vodka and orange juice." I replied, actually glad he was here to intervene.
"Ah, very nice." He grinned. He reached forward and clinked his can of Canadian Club with my glass. "Bottoms up!"
I sculled the rest of my drink, which was basically full. I wanted to forget Casey, just for one night.
Yeah, this happened when I drank. I don't know my limits. Once the alcohol began meddling with my brain, the memories of Casey became more prominent and I ended up wasted somewhere in a pool of my own vomit. It wasn't nice.
"Woah there," Josh laughed, staring at me, impressed.
"Been a while," I replied with a wry smile.
"Let's go to the fire. It's freezing!" Marissa interjected, her breath visible in the air.
"Amen to that," Owen muttered.
We ventured towards the fire. The flames danced, licking the air around it. I inhaled a lungful of smoke, feeling the heat against my skin. It was a welcome sensation. I was tempted to pull out a cigarette but tonight wasn't about him. I didn't need to do that. It was good enough just being outside, around other people.
There was a group nearby us, playing a game of 'never have I ever'. It was interesting listening to them. They were pretty funny, I must admit. I continued to drink, the light-headedness increasing. After me basically forcing her to leave my side to have some fun, Marissa soon joined the group, settling in with ease.
"Are you sure you don't want to join, Sadie?" A girl asked me. She was in one of my classes. Jamie, I think her name was. I hadn't really spoken to her before. It was nice of her to ask.
"I'm okay, thanks though."
After slipping into the shed, where Marissa had deposited our drinks and finally escaping Owen, I refilled my cup and exited out the side door, hoping to sneak further away from him. He was killing the vibe I was feeling.
"Oh hey," Josh said, startling me. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"That's okay," I laughed, stumbling to the side slightly.
"Woah, you okay there?" He asked, reaching out to steady me. I gave him a grateful smile as I righted my feet. I took another hasty sip.
"I'm good."
"I'm really glad you came." He said, smiling, his dimple appearing once more. The light of the shed cast a slight glow on him. Gosh he was cute.
He's not Casey.
I shook the thought of him from my mind. This was my night.
He asked you not to go.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Sadie, my love," his voice whispered in my mind. My eyes burned as I squeezed them so tightly. I could see his vivid, green eyes boring into mine. His perfectly straight teeth. His slightly, off jaw-line. His perfectly shaped lips.
"Hey, are you okay?" Josh's voice was distant.
"I love you Sadie, you know that right?" Casey said to me, brushing a loose tendril of hair back from my forehead. "I'm dating Serena but I love you."
We couldn't hang tonight. He was going to the movies with his new flame. I disliked her already. I forced a smile on my face. Serena was the opposite to me. Her hair shone in the light and her tanned legs ran longer than mine ever would. Her laugh was contagious and her beauty dazzling. She was so different to me. I was his best friend, his 'love'. Wouldn't he want to date me? Why would he choose someone so different? Was I the opposite of what he wanted?
His thumb began caressing my lower lip. I wanted to melt into a pool. I wanted to cling to him. I was the one for him, not her. She didn't understand him like I did.
"Hey, Sadie..." I snapped out of my flashback, to see Josh's concerned face inches from mine.
I shook my head, feeling slightly nauseous. "Sorry."
"Don't be, it's cool."
I forcefully shoved images of Casey's perfect face from my mind. I refused to think about how his touch sent waves of electricity down my spine. How he made tingles erupt through my veins and shoot down to my toes. I ignored all of it and focused on the cute boy in front of me.
"You've been through a lot, haven't you?" he asked quietly.
"You could say that."
"I'm not asking you to tell me, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll listen."
"Thanks Josh."
"Can I say something without scaring you?" he asked me, gently touching my arm and steering me closer to the shed, the slight bit of light disappearing off his face. I could still make him out though, which eased my nerves.
"Sure."
"I think you're gorgeous."
I squirmed awkwardly, feeling his gaze on me. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." he smiled. He reached out, his thumb trailing down my cheek. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"
"Yes." His face fell. He stepped back. "But not in a bad way."
His familiar grin returned to his face. I felt nerves erupt like a volcano in my stomach. I hadn't hardly touched a boy since Casey died. Was I ready for this? Before I could make up my mind, he leaned forward. I didn't stop him. His soft, warm lips met mine. He stepped back, gazing at me.
"Is that okay?"
I was trembling. It wasn't one of Casey's earth-stopping kisses (yes, Casey and I had kissed and it was amazing), but it was nice. I nodded, feeling shaky. He stepped closer, gently pushing me so that my back hit the shed. He leaned forward again, our noses brushing. My breath was hitched in my throat. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. His lips met mine, more urgently this time. His warm hand cupped my cheek, his other one finding my hip.
I felt myself relax slightly. He pressed his hips into mine. Slowly, I let my hands roam his chest, before slithering around his neck. I let my lips move against his. I had missed feeling another person this close to me. I had missed the contact. I could taste the alcohol on him.
His tongue brushed mine, sending a jolt of tingles through me. This was the first time I hadn't imagined I was kissing Casey. I was just enjoying being with Josh, which was honestly amazing. I had missed feeling like this.
The kiss deepened. My shirt lifted slightly, his warm fingers brushing against my ice cold skin. I gasped into his mouth. I felt him smirk. He nipped at my lower lip and I actually liked it. He stepped back. My cheeks were burning hot. My lips tingling.
"Wow," he breathed.
I couldn't say anything. He pressed his forehead to mine and our breaths mingled. I suddenly really respected Josh. Most guys would just grab me, hook up and leave. He was so tender and sweet. Like he knew I needed to go slow. He ran his lips slowly down my face, kissing my cheek. He stepped back, grabbing my hands.
"You okay?"
I nodded. He smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"You're freezing. Let's go back to the fire."
As I was still in a daze, I let him steer me back towards the heat. We passed through the shed and he dropped his arm from me, reaching for another can. My face felt hotter than the air generated from the fire. I smoothed my hair back and gently touched my lips, which were still throbbing.
"Sadie!" Marissa called out, visibly relaxing. "Thank God! I had no idea where you disappeared to- Oh!"
She glanced from me, to Josh and back to me. She grinned, her cheeks tinging pink.
"I was looking out for her," he said breezily. "Fire?"
"Uh huh, sure," she said, suggestively wiggling her eyebrows at me.
My legs felt like jelly. I didn't know what to think. I just made out with someone, who wasn't Casey, and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel guilty, either. I felt a little relieved. As if there was hope for me to move on.
"Sadie!" Owen called out breathlessly, as if he just run a marathon. "Where have you been?"
"There are other people here besides us, Owen," Marissa laughed.
His eyes narrowed as he stared at Josh. A genuine smile stretched across my face, for the first time in a while. I glanced at Marissa. She stared at me, a little confused. She stepped back.
"What?"
"Thanks for making me come tonight." I murmured quietly, unable to wipe the smile off my face.
She stared in surprise, before a smile danced on her lips. "You can thank me by giving me every, juicy detail tonight, Missy."
I rolled my eyes, stepping into the warmth, inhaling.
Tonight had been a success. I actually felt okay. Things were looking up for me and I was excited to see what was going to happen from here.
My phone vibrated. I jumped in alarm. The only person who texted me, besides my parents, was Marissa and she was right next to me. Stepping back, I slid my thumb across the screen. It was an unknown number.
My blood ran cold in my veins.
"Don't do this, Sadie. I'm still here."
These messages suddenly just got a whole lot more real.
